Almost reality

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Ours was very nice and quiet. The baby got several gifts and we appreciated that. We are well on our way to getting the house taken care of before the child arrives. We have the painters scheduled for Jan. 23-24 and my parents are coming out to be here during the day since both John and I are working. My mom will definitely be here, and my dad will come only if he isn't working. I'm sure he'll enjoy spending his birthday supervising a paint job. John has completed the floor installation in the man room. The next step is to get new baseboards and attach those, and then rehang the closet doors and do some final touch-up. It looks really good! I'll attach some before and after pictures at some point so everyone can see. Of course, that's just one room. Now he gets to move on to the family room, hallway and other bedrooms. We have decided to do new tile in the entry way and kitchen, so that'll be a different project. But really, I just want the painting done.

I have been meaning to start a journal for the baby. Sure, he/she'll be able to one day read this blog, but I wanted to have something that was just for her/him. I started it at work today. Gimme a break, it's the day after Christmas. There is nothing going on here. I am using this beautiful leather bound journal that I had gotten in Florence way back when I did my study abroad program. For some reason I had never used it, but I guess saving it was a good decision.

I started it by writing a little bit about my history with John, how we met, engagement, marriage, etc. Then I started talking about trying to get pregnant and the Doctor's appointments and all of that. My first entry was pretty long. I will write more later, but I think I got a good start.

It wasn't until a couple of minutes ago, about an hour after I put the journal away, that it really started to hit me. Reality hasn't quite settled in yet because I can't feel any movement yet, but the fact that I am basically writing a letter to my child who will be reading it when they grow up is an odd feeling. It gives me a lot of excitement but also produces a lot of fears. I worry about being a good mom and having no idea what I am doing. I don't have much experience with babies, John is much more advanced in that arena than I am. I worry that I won't be close with my kids, or that I will be totally overprotective (even though I am telling myself that I am not going to be one of those moms that doesn't let their child do anything). I'm sure that all first time moms have these doubts and fears but it kind of freaks me out. And it hit me all of a sudden: I am going to have a kid that is going to be totally dependent on John and I. It's an awesome responsibility and I sometimes have those doubts as to whether I am up for it. Honestly, I really don't see myself as a mature 28 year old. Let's face it, I don't always act grown up so it's hard for me to see myself as a grown up. But then I look at my friends who have kids, like Sara, Amber, and Jason & Noel, and to see what amazing parents they are really makes me see that I can do it and that I have this incredible support system of family and friends behind me that will always be there to help should we need it. But most of all I have John who has been nothing but wonderful through these first 4 months. I'm sure I haven't been the easiest to live with but he has been really patient and has picked up a lot of the slack. And I don't think that he has once complained about cleaning out the litter box.